Thinking time

My favorite time of the day is right before bed. I like being able to lay down and just think. I don't have any where to be for hours and I can relax. I feel most at ease when I am alone. Because that's when I can be comfortable in my own skin. I can be still for a while. I can make decisions and come up with new ideas. Its the perfect ne time. And that's what I'm doing as I write this. Laying in my bed under my blankets thinking about my day, my life, and what it all means.

A guy

So there's a guy in a couple of my classes. He is completely gorgeous. He has an a amazing body. He wears shirts just barely tight enough to make out his pecks. His arms. Oh my goodness his arms. He looks like an angel, for serious. His eyes are blue. Perfect blue. I just can't get over how gorgeous he is. And so sweet too, as far as I can tell.
This is such a change for me, I am usually the one to choose personality over looks but I just had to get this out there, to tell someone.
I'm thinking he has to know how beautiful he is, and he probably gets a lot of girls throwing themselves at him. In fact, I can see it happen sometimes. The girls in class seem to fight over him (subtly but I can still tell). I talk to him every day, surprisingly. I don't know if I like him or his beauty but damn, that is one fine man. Probably the most attractive guy I have seen. I wish I could post a picture of him so you could see for yourself, but that would be a little too creepy.
He's probably an arrogant, slutty jerk who would treat me like crap. I know the type.
I secretly wish he would ask me out. I'd say yes although he's likely not what I'm looking for. Oh well, one can always dream. :)

On Love

All you need is love. That is one of my favorite song lyrics, because its written by one of my favorite bands and also because love is an important subject to me.
Some of its importance could be attributed to the fact that I am still a young girl, some due to me being a deep and emotional person, but also because I think that love really is all one needs.
I spend a lot of time thinking about my future spouse, my soul mate. I believe that there is one person out there, hiding among the seven billion other people, that will change your life. The one you are destined to meet, and will fall in love with. The one who will be your best friend AND your lover all rolled into one. The one who gets you and who understands everything about you.
I like to think that I will be meeting him soon, since after all, everyday I am coming closer to finding him. I like to think that we will meet in a non-conventional way. That we will be pushed together by the universe in a way that neither of us could possibly resist. Either way, when we meet we will feel like we are at home. Conversation will come easy, and I'll know he's the one by our third date.
Our love will be pure and we will be completely honest with each other. We will be able to spend our time together doing silly things.
I want to play with his hair and hold his hand. I want to hug him for way too long, just because I won't want to let go. I want to write him letters and talk on the phone for hours. I want to watch movies with him, with him cuddled around me like a blanket.
I don't want drama and I don't want lust. I want him to respect my boundaries and have high standards too.
The anticipation of him is what keeps me moving forward someday. If I'm going to meet him soon, I better get myself straightened out so things can happen the way they should.
I need to heal for myself, and for him.
My other half.

Healing

I said in my first post that this blog was going to (hopefully) be a healing experience for me. What I meant was that it will give me something constant that I can focus on, that brings me joy, and helps me express myself. I love to write, and I keep a journal but I don't write in it as often as I should. I think writing down thoughts and feelings is the best way to vent, for me anyways. So I plan to vent on my blog, because I doubt anyone will read it and because it is MINE. Not anyone else's. And since I will remain anonymous, there is no reason for me to be reserved about what I post, and that makes me feel free.
As an emotional person, and as a person without a best friend to spill my guts to, maybe in a lame way this blog will be like a best friend for me. And maybe someone like me will read my ramblings and decide that a blog would help them too. And that would be awesome, because I know a lot of people are feeling lonely and wishing they could express themselves to someone. Or rather something. Maybe I can help someone other than myself too, and that would make me happy.

Dreams

I have always been looking forward in life. I mean sometimes I can be terrible for looking back constantly, but really I am always in anticipation. I find it hard to live in the moment, unless I'm doing something I love. That being said, I really do love spending even just a couple minutes a day doing things I love. Because all the small things add up and they are what really matters a lot of the time.
Back to the point. I have dreams of what my life will be like. When I "grow up" I want to have an amazing husband who makes me want to be a better person, and who I fall more in love with every day. As cheesy and idealized as that sounds, I think its possible. I want to have kids too. A girl and a boy would be amazing, but either way I would love to be a mother some day. But I feel like that's a long way off from now. I want to live on an acreage with a charming and old farmhouse with a porch that wraps all the way around. I want to have flower beds and gardens with herbs and vegetables (I love to cook). I want to fill our home with things that make us happy, they don't even have to match. I want to have pictures on every wall and art projects made by my kids covering the fridge. I want to have dogs and cats, and whatever other critters we collect. I want to have a job that I love (doesn't everyone) where I can make a difference in someone or something's life. I want to come home from work every day feeling fulfilled and happy. I want to have lemonade and cookies ready for my kids when they get home from school. I want to cook homegrown meals for my family and I want us to all be happy.
I want to feel at peace in all aspects of my life, something that is missing right now. But I figure that's the way it is for everyone in our awkward times of growing up and finding who we are.

I don't really like introductions, but I figure I should have one - or at least some kind of background info. So here it goes...
I am a 19 year old female. I live in a country filled with all sorts of people. I really like it here but if I could live anywhere, it would be Ireland. I am going to university/college at this point and I have an average job. I like school and I am taking biology. It would be going better if I could learn to stop procrastinating though. Maybe this blog will help with that, though. I will force myself to do at least an hour of something productive for school before I can blog. Sure, sounds good.
Anyways, I have tried blogs before but this one will be different, this time I want to be completely honest with myself about everything and post things here so I can remember them later. So I can look back and see how I have changed and improved myself. I want this blog to be a healing experience for me, because I have a lot of things I'd like to change about myself.
So that's it for now, I'll be back soon.