Today doesn't feel good. I had a lot of expectations and optimism for the new year, a chance to start over and be who I want to be. But today was plagued by an emotional dark cloud. I can't identify a single cause, but a few. Even then, these same worries didn't bring me down yesterday as they are today.
I take the little things too seriously. In my heart I want to be happy but every time it comes closer in my reach, my mind pushes me backwards into darkness.
I can't say why I'm unhappy, because I don't know. Some days its there, some it isn't. There are days I am full of hope and joy followed by days where I can't find anything to smile about.
I know who I want to be, who I think I could be and that is vastly different from who I am. I wonder if that is because of my mental health or because this really is who I am. I always thought my life would go a certain way. I wanted to be the slim, pretty girl-next-door type who would meet a great guy in highschool and would marry him after university. I would have a successful career that I loved and my husband and I would be best friends. I would fill my days with happy thoughts and do things I love. I would be confident and secure in myself, and overall happy as hell.
But I don't know if that is me. I have a short temper, I take things to heart, I stress over little things, I'm immature and irresponsible at times, I never live in the moment, and I can't find anyone to date.
I wonder if I do have depression. I kind of hope I do, so I have an excuse for why I am this way. But I doubt I will go to a doctor to get diagnosed. I don't want to.

The most important thing is to keep pushing forward. I am able to do this, but sometimes I feel like its trivial. I keep doing what I have to but there's nothing I'm completely motivated by. I wish I had a friend who was there for me or a boyfriend who loved me. Loneliness is probably one of the worst feelings.

Good thoughts from the day

Surprisingly, my day went fairly well, despite how I felt this morning. I talked to about 5 people, which is higher than usual. I made a new acquaintance in one class, she seems really nice and we have similar interests. And the guy I talked about in a previous post was another I talked to today. He makes me smile when he smiles. I guess its kind of contagious. He is so gorgeous I can't help but stare at him. It makes me happy in fact.
I also saw a friend today. We said hello to each other but that's it. I liked him when I met him and I liked him when he took me for coffee. But I don't agree with his choices so I didn't want to date him. But I feel like he is special, despite the things he does that I don't like. I told a close mutual friend that I didn't think we would be a good match, and maybe she told him that because now he doesn't talk to me as much and stopped asking me to go out. I guess its my fault if that's the case. But now I kind of miss him. It felt right with him and when he hugged me I didn't want to let go. I hope he will ask me for coffee, even just once more.

I somewhat know the pattern of how my happiness fluctuates. When something exciting or new is happening, I can almost say I'm happy. The anticipation of a potential change in my life makes me happy, because it could mean big change. I could meet someone who I can trust and call a true friend, I could find a new activity I enjoy, etc. I was excited last week because a boy wanted me to go to his party. And I liked that boy, for a while anyways. I was so excited that maybe he would like me and we could be less lonely together. But it turns out he doesn't like me and he doesn't  try to contact me anymore. I shouldn't be surprised, and I shouldn't be disappointed. He makes some poor decisions and that's not something I need in my life, or not right now anyways. Anyways, it would have been nice to have someone care, even if for a little while only.
Right now, I have nothing to look forward to but instead an exam to dread. If something good were to be happening this weekend, I could force myself to study and do my best on my exam out of hope that my hard work would pay off. But there is nothing new this weekend. Just a solitary couple of days at home. So I will continue to push my studying off until the last minute, get a terrible grade, and be upset. I wish that I could change that, you would think that I could since I am completely aware of what I am doing, but it doesn't seem to work like that. I know I'm procrastinating but I do it anyways. I just need something, anything really, to look forward to so I can focus on getting through another week. Please let there be something soon.

A dark day

It's days like this where I feel most empty. I know that if I didn't get up and go to class or do anything else I'm meant to, no one would know but me. Most days are like this in fact. Its hard to force myself out of bed when I can't think of a reason I should get up. My only reason is that I can't miss school. Since I have no friends there to help me catch up. I'm already behind so I can't fall anymore though. It hurts though, that no one would notice me missing. It hurts that no one sees the pain I'm in. And I feel pathetic, because its not like I have any real problems like some people. My only problem is how I feel inside. I wish I could he normal, I wish I had friends who saw my turmoil and wanted to help. But I don't. If they do see it, they choose to ignore it. I can't say I blame them. I'm a mess and I need to help myself. But how?

Thinking time

My favorite time of the day is right before bed. I like being able to lay down and just think. I don't have any where to be for hours and I can relax. I feel most at ease when I am alone. Because that's when I can be comfortable in my own skin. I can be still for a while. I can make decisions and come up with new ideas. Its the perfect ne time. And that's what I'm doing as I write this. Laying in my bed under my blankets thinking about my day, my life, and what it all means.

A guy

So there's a guy in a couple of my classes. He is completely gorgeous. He has an a amazing body. He wears shirts just barely tight enough to make out his pecks. His arms. Oh my goodness his arms. He looks like an angel, for serious. His eyes are blue. Perfect blue. I just can't get over how gorgeous he is. And so sweet too, as far as I can tell.
This is such a change for me, I am usually the one to choose personality over looks but I just had to get this out there, to tell someone.
I'm thinking he has to know how beautiful he is, and he probably gets a lot of girls throwing themselves at him. In fact, I can see it happen sometimes. The girls in class seem to fight over him (subtly but I can still tell). I talk to him every day, surprisingly. I don't know if I like him or his beauty but damn, that is one fine man. Probably the most attractive guy I have seen. I wish I could post a picture of him so you could see for yourself, but that would be a little too creepy.
He's probably an arrogant, slutty jerk who would treat me like crap. I know the type.
I secretly wish he would ask me out. I'd say yes although he's likely not what I'm looking for. Oh well, one can always dream. :)