The most important thing is to keep pushing forward. I am able to do this, but sometimes I feel like its trivial. I keep doing what I have to but there's nothing I'm completely motivated by. I wish I had a friend who was there for me or a boyfriend who loved me. Loneliness is probably one of the worst feelings.

Good thoughts from the day

Surprisingly, my day went fairly well, despite how I felt this morning. I talked to about 5 people, which is higher than usual. I made a new acquaintance in one class, she seems really nice and we have similar interests. And the guy I talked about in a previous post was another I talked to today. He makes me smile when he smiles. I guess its kind of contagious. He is so gorgeous I can't help but stare at him. It makes me happy in fact.
I also saw a friend today. We said hello to each other but that's it. I liked him when I met him and I liked him when he took me for coffee. But I don't agree with his choices so I didn't want to date him. But I feel like he is special, despite the things he does that I don't like. I told a close mutual friend that I didn't think we would be a good match, and maybe she told him that because now he doesn't talk to me as much and stopped asking me to go out. I guess its my fault if that's the case. But now I kind of miss him. It felt right with him and when he hugged me I didn't want to let go. I hope he will ask me for coffee, even just once more.

I somewhat know the pattern of how my happiness fluctuates. When something exciting or new is happening, I can almost say I'm happy. The anticipation of a potential change in my life makes me happy, because it could mean big change. I could meet someone who I can trust and call a true friend, I could find a new activity I enjoy, etc. I was excited last week because a boy wanted me to go to his party. And I liked that boy, for a while anyways. I was so excited that maybe he would like me and we could be less lonely together. But it turns out he doesn't like me and he doesn't  try to contact me anymore. I shouldn't be surprised, and I shouldn't be disappointed. He makes some poor decisions and that's not something I need in my life, or not right now anyways. Anyways, it would have been nice to have someone care, even if for a little while only.
Right now, I have nothing to look forward to but instead an exam to dread. If something good were to be happening this weekend, I could force myself to study and do my best on my exam out of hope that my hard work would pay off. But there is nothing new this weekend. Just a solitary couple of days at home. So I will continue to push my studying off until the last minute, get a terrible grade, and be upset. I wish that I could change that, you would think that I could since I am completely aware of what I am doing, but it doesn't seem to work like that. I know I'm procrastinating but I do it anyways. I just need something, anything really, to look forward to so I can focus on getting through another week. Please let there be something soon.

A dark day

It's days like this where I feel most empty. I know that if I didn't get up and go to class or do anything else I'm meant to, no one would know but me. Most days are like this in fact. Its hard to force myself out of bed when I can't think of a reason I should get up. My only reason is that I can't miss school. Since I have no friends there to help me catch up. I'm already behind so I can't fall anymore though. It hurts though, that no one would notice me missing. It hurts that no one sees the pain I'm in. And I feel pathetic, because its not like I have any real problems like some people. My only problem is how I feel inside. I wish I could he normal, I wish I had friends who saw my turmoil and wanted to help. But I don't. If they do see it, they choose to ignore it. I can't say I blame them. I'm a mess and I need to help myself. But how?