Today doesn't feel good. I had a lot of expectations and optimism for the new year, a chance to start over and be who I want to be. But today was plagued by an emotional dark cloud. I can't identify a single cause, but a few. Even then, these same worries didn't bring me down yesterday as they are today.
I take the little things too seriously. In my heart I want to be happy but every time it comes closer in my reach, my mind pushes me backwards into darkness.
I can't say why I'm unhappy, because I don't know. Some days its there, some it isn't. There are days I am full of hope and joy followed by days where I can't find anything to smile about.
I know who I want to be, who I think I could be and that is vastly different from who I am. I wonder if that is because of my mental health or because this really is who I am. I always thought my life would go a certain way. I wanted to be the slim, pretty girl-next-door type who would meet a great guy in highschool and would marry him after university. I would have a successful career that I loved and my husband and I would be best friends. I would fill my days with happy thoughts and do things I love. I would be confident and secure in myself, and overall happy as hell.
But I don't know if that is me. I have a short temper, I take things to heart, I stress over little things, I'm immature and irresponsible at times, I never live in the moment, and I can't find anyone to date.
I wonder if I do have depression. I kind of hope I do, so I have an excuse for why I am this way. But I doubt I will go to a doctor to get diagnosed. I don't want to.